Paradox
by Z. Alexander
Summary: Perhaps it wasn't a heart they needed...perhaps it was simply the will to live. Because a Nobody can't be a Nobody if he's Somebody...right?


Okay, so I decided to play Kingdom Hearts over the weekend, and after I beat it, I decided to play Kingdom Hearts 2, because you can't just play the first one. I remembered why I love AkuRoku so much, and so I wrote a very strange, semi-AU story, because it very nearly broke my heart when I had to fight Axel as Roxas. . I'm such a sap.

Anyway, I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters, as evidenced by the name of this website. I'm just warning you now, this is rather fluffy. Or at least, as fluffy as I've ever been.

* * *

The first time they kissed, it was spontaneous. There was passion behind it, the homicidal kind, but nothing new_…_nor, really, was there any sort of _love _(pfft…as if) behind it. It was just a lengthy touch of the lips, after a 'friendly spar,' also known as 'violently trying to kill each other.' 

And if Roxas had kissed him again, and then bit Axel's bottom lip…well, it was because he wanted to know if it was true, what they said: a Nobody couldn't bleed. It hadn't made sense to Roxas…if there was no heart, no circulation of blood, then how could they be _alive…_and how could he _feel? _Or at least, _remember _feeling?

At any rate, Axel hadn't bled, and Roxas had been quite reassured of his own nonexistence.

Or…maybe that hadn't been real. He didn't know any more; it seemed as if there were three Roxases, struggling for dominance in his consciousness.

There was a Roxas who trudged all over campus every day, feeling (ha) apathetic, wondering idly why he felt incomplete; there was a Roxas who moved like a cat in the night, being resentful (not feeling resentful, because _that_ Roxas was convinced he couldn't feel at all); and there was a Roxas who, in the dusty back corners of his mind, had once upon a time coaxed him into talking to Pence, who had introduced him to Olette, who had introduced him to Hayner, who had become his best friend.

And in all these versions of himself, only one thing remained constant; a redhead with impossibly green eyes, with a bad attitude and a predilection to fire. Once upon a time, Roxas had believed that fire would kill him, save him, _anything…_or was that one of those _other _Roxases in his head?

The first time they _really _kissed, it was deliberate, and there were less homicidal thoughts in Roxas' head. Well, actually, there hadn't been _any, _until Axel had smirked in that obnoxious, cheeky way and nicked his cheek with his weapon of choice. Oh, he didn't bleed, but Axel had totally taken advantage of that! It made him…angry, or at least remember that he was supposed to be angry in a situation like that, and Roxas had attacked with his funky blade –_Keyblade, _the resentful one supplied helpfully – and scored four hits before Axel could retaliate.

But they'd laughed with each other, and Roxas had felt…_something…_or rather, he remembered he was _supposed _to feel something, but he'd forgotten what it was.

Roxas didn't really want to think about all the other kisses they shared, because this blanket of apathy that had wrapped tightly around him was starting to suffocate him – and Axel, the only person he could blame (other than himself, but that didn't count), was _supposed _to be back by now. He didn't want to be thinking about kisses that may or may not have happened, because as far as he remembered, he hadn't _ever _kissed Axel, and it would be awkward to think about this stuff while he was talking to him.

Roxas didn't really know _why _he'd stayed friends with Axel; or rather, he didn't know why Axel had stayed friends with _him. _He _knew _that this apathy could spread like a disease, poison the people around him…but Axel didn't seem to be affected at all. He still uttered strange and disturbing phrases ("Now, is it just me, or does this dress make my butt look big?"), still smiled in that obnoxious way, and still danced with fire.

Roxas glanced at his flame-patterned book bag, hating the way it seemed to be _mocking _him. Just because he could, he glared at it.

"I _hate _you," he muttered, thinking himself foolish and childish for saying he hated an inanimate object, but not really caring.

"Now, is that any way to treat your best friend," someone asked, and Roxas looked up into the _oh-_so-familiar green eyes.

Roxas shrugged, and picked at an unraveling thread on the bottom of his sweater. "Are we best friends?"

Axel rolled his eyes and flopped – yes, _flopped, _because Axel was only graceful when he stopped trying – onto Roxas' bed beside him. "How many times do we have to go over this? Yes, we are. Have you forgotten me _already?"_

For the first time in a long while, Roxas felt…yes, actually, he _felt._ What he felt, he didn't know, but it wasn't apathy. It might've been…guilt? But he hadn't done anything to be guilty _for._

Or maybe it was the Roxas in his head who had made friends. That Roxas seemed to be more _alive._

"No," he said quietly. "I have _not _forgotten you."

"That's good," Axel replied, propping his head on one hand, and poking Roxas' chest with the forefinger of the other. "I'd have to kill you if you forgot me."

That _feeling _(it was a feeling, right?) passed through his chest again, and he scowled at his 'best friend;' that statement had hit too close to home for comfort, for some inexplicable reason.

"Bastard."

"I know it better than anyone else," Axel teased, and for some reason, that made Roxas laugh. He remembered those _other _times they'd laughed together…the times they'd almost killed each other with their strange weapons, the numerous scrapes they'd gotten into by ditching school…and Roxas wondered, not for the first time, about his sanity.

"Hey, Axel," he said, leaning back on his bed with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah?"

Without even looking at Axel's face, Roxas knew that he would be looking up with his eyes, eyebrows raised, because he wouldn't bother to actually move his head. It only made Roxas laugh again.

"How do you do it," he finally blurted. "How can you…"

Axel was sitting up now, looking slightly worried, and it just made Roxas laugh more. Axel, worried for him? It was…uncharacteristic. Axel had been worried about _losing _him, in one part of his mind. Axel had been worried about _himself, _in another (or at least, that's what the _voice _said, but the foreign feeling said another thing entirely), and Axel had been worried about their midterms…

Okay, so maybe he _could_ be worried. Roxas didn't want him to worry. "How do you feel like you do?"

Pfft. That hadn't come out right at all. But there was no use in taking it back _now._

"I don't know," Axel replied, looking serious for once. He joined Roxas in his oh-so-enlightening 'stare at the ceiling' ritual, and managed to shrug while lying down. "How can you _not? _I mean…you have a chance to _live…_why waste it?"

For a moment, Roxas entertained the idea that maybe Axel had other Axels in _his _head, feeding him thoughts and memories he'd never actually been through, but it was too good to be true…wasn't it? Hayner's-Friend-Roxas told him that it _wasn't, _but then, he thought he remembered_ that_ Roxas tended to space out and see things that may or may not have actually been there.

Yeah…why waste it? There was more to life than acting out verbs, right? Shouldn't he be passionate, for once in however long he'd existed, about those verbs? And for the first time (or was it the hundredth time?), he spontaneously kissed his best friend, kissed Axel, and got kissed in return.

It was so _ironic _that in that moment, the three warring Roxases _finally _agreed with something…Roxas had been avoiding this, had been avoiding those _could've-beens, _in order to…well, it was stupid now, wasn't it?

He laughed again.

Axel laughed too, and it was just…_supposed to be. _It was like they were _made _to laugh with (but mostly at) each other. The resentful Roxas shot that fluffy thought down with a high-powered hose, making the friendly Roxas pout. But right now, Roxas was testing out Axel's bottom lip again, and found himself morbidly pleased when Axel did, in fact, bleed.

Axel made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and an angry cat when Roxas licked away the beads of blood, and pushed Roxas gently away. "You have _no idea _what you just did, do you," he asked. He didn't sound angry; he actually sounded curious. And who really _knew _what all went on in that chaotic, spontaneous head, anyway?

"Unless you want to tell me I just did something _other _than kiss you…" Roxas left the statement open, smirking, and vaguely remembering (or not) a similar conversation, held while wearing a sort-of familiar matching black ensemble.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Apparently _not."_

Now, it was _Roxas' _turn to be curious, and if Axel could just blurt out stupid questions, so could _he. _"And what is it that I did?"

Roxas decided that getting an answer wasn't really worth the wait, and kissed Axel again, threading his fingers through those absurdly red spikes (which also just _looked _absurd, but that was _Axel _for you) and biting down again. This time, the noise that Axel made was different, and Roxas could've _sworn _he'd heard it somewhere. Probably in a memory belonging to a different Roxas.

It was a very good noise for Axel to make.

He thought that maybe Axel was trying to say something, but nothing came out, until Roxas remembered (or not) that the skin over his heart area was very sensitive, and started drawing light shapes through the rather thin cloth of Axel's shirt.

"Don't…duh…do that," Axel gasped, and Roxas stopped. He was anything but pleased, but Axel had something to say, and the faster he said it the faster Roxas could kiss him again. Roxas found that he _liked _kissing Axel; found himself wondering why he'd never done it before; found that they fit together. Strangely enough, Roxas knew that the metaphorical jigsaw puzzle had a couple more pieces, but at least _Axel _was there.

"I was late because I found something out," he said, getting a hold on his breathing. "Naminé pulled me aside, and told me to tell you, that Kairi and Selphie told her that Sora's gonna be next door."

"You're not making sense," Roxas said accusingly, folding his arms. He was sure it made him look like a petulant brat, but damn it, he didn't _want_ to hear about Sora moving in next door when…

…Wait.

"Sora's _moving? Next to us?"_

Axel nodded, grinning slightly. "He finally realized that he belongs with us."

"Took him a damn long time," Roxas muttered, mood lightening considerably.

"Oh, yeah, and I'm supposed to give you a message, that Kairi and Selphie passed to Naminé, who passed it to me. Well, Naminé wanted me to tell you, too."

"Well?"

Axel cupped his hands around his mouth and moved to whisper in Roxas' ear.

"TURN ON YOUR DAMN PHONE," he roared.

"Could you say that a little louder? I couldn't hear it through the _ringing in my ears," _Roxas said dryly.

"Meh, you'll figure out what I said sooner or later. Anyway, Sora will be bunking with Riku. Apparently, they know each other."

"Don't be a dumbass, Axel. I know him too. We grew up together, remember?"

Axel laughed again, and Roxas felt his shoulders relax. He couldn't remember why he'd been so…dead, as of late, and he _really _couldn't begin to understand why he'd waited all this time to…

To what? Let Axel make him laugh? He'd laughed before…this was nothing new. Maybe the stress had just gotten to him, and he'd cracked.

Maybe it didn't really matter.

"Are you finished delivering messages, Axel," Roxas demanded impatiently.

Axel's smirk resurfaced, and he returned, in the same tone, "Yes, Roxas. I'm finished delivering messages."

Roxas kissed him again, and had a sort of epiphany; he _wasn't _complete, and he_ wasn't _happy. But Axel made him happy sometimes, and he found that he really liked to listen to Axel's heartbeat. So…it wasn't _too _bad. After all, if all three Roxases agreed that Axel was better than a Good Thing, then it was obviously true.

_In the next life…_

Roxas wasn't sure if that had actually happened. But, he thought that maybe he understood what Axel had said; he _had _a chance to live.

And if he decided to keep kissing Axel…well, it was because he wanted to.

* * *

If you guessed that I'm talking about the Kingdom Hearts gang in school together...you're right. The majors don't matter, since most of this goes on in Roxas' head, but I thought I'd reassure you that yes, I am talking about being at University. 


End file.
